Have you ever had that feeling of not only intense jealousy, but also anger, and bitterness (In essence resentment) at either someone who is succeeding at something you would like to be good at or at someone who treats you badly and yet you stay silent?
Well, if so, guess what, you’re not alone. Countless times I would look at people who were good at things I actually wanted to do and try to put them down, say stupid shit about them, or just try to find one negative thing to say about them so I could at least try to fill better about myself. I would publicly slander them when secretly I wanted to be them. Or, when those around me or even people I come across on a daily basis would do things to me or treat me in ways I really do not like and I would keep quiet while harboring such intense bitterness and anger towards them.
For such a long time I used to live this way and even now, sometimes, I still catch myself doing this mainly because I had lived that way for such a long time that it became second nature, heck, I practically grew up like that.
There are a couple of things I’ve seen that I think have really pushed me in that direction. I’ve always had this idea in my head “It’s better not to try than to try and fail” simply put I’ve had such an intense fear of failure that a lot of the time I end up feigning apathy and downgrading the thing which I secretly want to be and so when I see people doing the very thing… All I could do to try to be okay with myself is make their accomplishments seem insignificant, especially when I feel it was someone who worked hard at their craft.
Secondly, I’ve always been really high in trait agreeableness (politeness) and so a lot of the time when people walk all over me, I simply pretend like I’m okay with it, like there’s really no problem when secretly I’m boiling inside, and yet I don’t want conflict. Also, whether it’s because of my agreeableness or something else, I’ve really lived a lot of my life as a coward. A sort of cowardice that parades itself as someone just not wanting any problem.
I realized a while ago just how much this thing was eating away at my soul, how I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror without being ashamed and I had to do something to run away from this, from such a life. A life filled with so much resentment is, really, just a life of misery. And sometimes, you might be justified in your feelings of resentment, but the problem with that is all you’ll get out of it is constant bitterness, anger, and jealousy aimed at people who don’t know you even exist or don’t pay attention to you and don’t give a rat’s ass about you.
I started to take steps to get away from the life I was stuck in. First, I started to exercise more regularly and even learn how to fight and that (even the little I’ve done) has done wonders for me, I feel myself getting stronger and more confident as well, I’m now starting to have a “backbone”, to try things, to go for things, and to stand up for myself.
I no longer simply try to hide in the pretense of apathy when someone annoys me or tries to take advantage of me. I strive to say my bit, even though it’s really stressful and sometimes scary.
Even though the fear of failure is still there, I’m now trying to do things irrespective of that. Knowing full well, there’s a chance I might fail, I’ll still try it out anyway, If it’s something that captures my interest. Starting a blog, writing, and Starting photography, however mediocre they might be, I’m still at least trying.
I’m actively trying to get my life on track and sometimes I fail, but at least I’m no longer living on autopilot. I now have an aim or at least somewhat of a concept of what I want my future and my future self to look like and more importantly, what I don’t want it to look like and I’m going to keep striving for that.
One of my favorites quote at the moment is by Chris Williamson, who said that true hell is when the person you are, meets the person you could have been and that’s something worth thinking about for a long time.